As we come upon one full year of the coronavirus pandemic with no end in sight, it is important to review traditional pandemic anniversary gifts by year to avoid awkward etiquette faux pas.

Year 1: A Zoom wave “hello”

Year 2: A bowl of melted ice cream swirled with a bag of potato chips eaten with a ladle because why the fuck not

Year 3: Paper

Year 4: A 15-minute nap in between the end of your kid’s zoom class and the beginning of your work call

Year 5: An artisanal handcrafted teak wood tear gas shield

Year 10: A #tbt photo of that fun summer when human touch was allowed

Year 15: Wool

Year 20: Dogecoin 

Year 25: A stack of chocolate gelt coins (replaces stimulus check)

Year 30: Tin

Year 35: An annual ParaPrimeFlixDiscoveryMaxPlus streaming subscription

Year 40: A contactless shipment of society’s replacement for the Constitution: a deck of specialty tarot cards (they’re all Danny DeVito)

Year 45: Sapphire

Year 50: A Mars colony pod