Choreographer to the stars, Darrin Henson (of VHS sensation “Darrin’s Dance Grooves” fame), is going through some stuff. Here, he uses his skills to instruct the home viewer in handling a break-up.

All right all right! Hey everybody, thanks for watching today! Me and my friends here hope you came today ready with a smile and a hard-working attitude.

And a heart that’s not quite ready to love again.

First, we’re going to do some simple warm-ups to get ourselves ready. Watch and follow along. Reach behind your back, with your arms in a swinging motion. Just like this. That’s it, y’all. Reach behind, into your back pocket, and pull out your iPhone to scroll furiously through her tagged Facebook photos from that costume party where she looks really happy and like she’s probably not at all torn up about you.

All right all right! Great work everyone. We’re gonna do the iPhone grab again, but this time, call her 4 times in a row – just like this. If it goes to voicemail, leave a  message. This is where you have freedom to make it your own! Let your inner sparkle shine.

Now we’re gonna take things a little faster.

Step to your left. Keep shuffling until you get to your freezer, where the Oreo ice cream is located. Eat it all standing up right there with the freezer still open. No bowl necessary.

Then, we’re gonna go home for a long weekend because we “need family” right now. But really, we just want to take ourselves back to the aesthetics of the place where we dwelled before we knew hurt.

Smooth, y’all!

Now, let’s do it again in six months because we refuse to change! All together now!

Girls, let’s face it. We all love attention. Why else would I devote the entirety of Page 12 in this month’s issue to properly selecting handbags for every mood?

Well, if you ever find yourself invited to hang out with a group of four or more fellow acknowledgement-starved girls, be ready with these surefire weapons of attention hoarding. At some point in the night, one girl will bring up a childhood tragedy – i.e. her parents’ divorce – without any prompting whatsoever. At first, you will likely be made remarkably uncomfortable by this ungraceful over-sharing, but IGNORE your instincts of logical social understanding. You’re going to want to jump on this bandwagon, break your leg because you didn’t quite make it onto the back of the wooden slab of the moving wagon, and then have a terrific story about how hard it was to cope for those first few months as the leg was healing and how you lost so much weight during physical therapy and that’s how your eating disorder began.

Let’s get started!

• Step 1: Think of something that happened to you. Then, EXAGGERATE. Hyperbole is your best friend here. Embrace it. Coddle it. Make it some hot cocoa. You’re gonna want to keep it close. Remember that time your mom took away your kazoo when you were eight because you wouldn’t stop bringing it onto the school bus and blowing it into Michael’s ear and then his mother called yours and complained? That’s your seed. Pepper in how the kazoo was actually a classical piano, and that it was your only source of artistic release because you, as a second grader, were in fact forced to raise your baby niece due to to your brother’s jail time. Oh, your brother is a successful hedge fund lawyer and doesn’t have any children? Forget it. No one needs to hear that boring shit.
• Step 2: Two Words: ONE UP. Deidre had a very serious condition that prevented her from being able to leave the house until age 13? TOP IT. You can do better. Not only could you not leave your home until junior year of high school due to your mother’s tyrannical agoraphobia that fucked you up forever (“And THAT’S why I hooked up with Greg that one night, guys! I’m dark and twisty!”), but you were also bed-ridden for a year due to an overdose of sit-ups trying to impress your dad who you’ve never met. None of this is true? I’ll tell you again. FORGET IT. All you have to do it use your brain and make your tragedy sound just a little bit more severe than the last one confessed. Attention will shift to you immediately. Fuck Deidre!
• Step 3: Sympathize. Keep telling the other girls how strong they are to have gotten through X. Additionally, you can sneak in comments about how you completely understand where they’re coming from, A.K.A. making everyone else think that you went through that thing, too. Attention’s back in your court!
• Step 4: Snatch up whatever’s left. Be a vulture. Fly around the body of a tragedy that has yet to be mentioned, swoop down before anyone else can, and tear it to pieces. No one has probably mentioned harming themselves yet, and no one probably actually has ever done so, but girlfriend, it’s every girl for herself here, so GO FOR IT. Again, every rational instinct in your body will be telling you that this is messed up and that you guys should probably just stop this senseless charade of comparing tragedies for the sake of feeling artificially close to people you met just two months ago because you have little else to grasp onto. But if you don’t ignore these impulses, you’ve let all of us at GirlzZone down.

Looks like you’re all set for Girls Night In! Now, get to story boarding, ladies!

And for a helpful treat, turn back to Page 12 and peek at the “Brooding” purple leather satchel! Perfect for the occasion!

1. A strong, reassuring handshake from the governor of any state.
2. A proud Facebook post from my mother with a lot of exclamation points.
3. A clip package of me presented at the Golden Globes and set to “We’re Going to be Friends” by The White Stripes.
4. A guest appearance on Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations in which I show him around my apartment kitchen and make him a bagel-turkey sandwich from Trader Joe’s.
5. An all-inclusive stay for four at Atlantis Resort, filmed by the OWN network, followed by the airing of the Oprah-narrated special about me and my accomplishments. This includes the clip in which I’m working at my barista job and a man in a suit walks in with balloons and a camera crew, revealing that I can leave this life behind forever, leaving me crying and jumping up and down a la Nikki Blonksy’s reveal that she had been cast in the film “Hairspray” at her Coldstone Creamery job.

As I fell asleep last night, I smiled to myself bigger than I had in months as I listened to “At the Beginning” (from the soundtrack to the non-Disney animated musical from 1997, “Anastasia”) and imagined a slideshow of pictures of me in college playing in front of an audience and those audience members crying as a result of all of my nostalgic, fun times.

Today at work I was discussing my fear of graduating college. A fellow employee who is a recent college graduate told me that “…the real world is really fun.” My eyes became large and I replied, “What? What do you mean?”, because I genuinely believed that she was referring to the Music Television reality show and not, in fact, the actual thing that we are currently living in right this very second that is ‘real life’.

I learned the definition of the word “proviso” from the 1992 Disney animated film “Aladdin” and had not heard it since or thought about it until just tonight when it was mentioned in my Macroeconomics homework.

I told a visiting group at work that I did not speak Spanish even though I do speak Spanish and even though they desperately needed somebody to speak Spanish with in order to complete an important task — all for the sole purpose of not having to talk to anybody for just a few minutes.

Hey there, Prospective Student!

Welcome to our beautiful campus. It lies right on the edge of the Telling Yourself That Trying This Drug Will Help You Discover Yourself But Really You’re Just Doing It To Impress Someone At A Party River and has gorgeous views of the hills toward the north of town. Follow along as we guide you through your campus visit today with an accompanying scavenger hunt!

And most importantly, keep your peepers peeled for some surprises!

First, turn and walk to your left from outside the Admissions building. See that castle-looking thing? That’s our historic Stereotypes Are Mostly True Castle! In there you’ll find out all about the legends of our old university, and that most of your Jewish friends really do think that they’re sick all the time! You won’t want to accept this truth at first because you’ll want to think of yourself as a good person, but in about the third month of your freshman year the truth will be puncturing your eye sockets and you won’t be able to help it anymore!

Now, walk forward. As you pass Spending $60 On Posters For Coen Brothers Movies That I’ve Seen Once But I Want People To Think I’m A Film Expert So That I Get Laid Hill, up ahead you’ll see our I Chose My Philosophy Major Because I Thought “Fight Club” Was Awesome Library. Go inside!

See all those kids wearing sweatshirts and studying hard? They’re awesome!

There’s a complimentary bag of Cheetos under that blueish-grey fabric sofa. Grab it! That’s all you get for dinner!

Exit the back door of the library. To the right you’ll see the main freshmen dorm building, What Are All These Posts About Selling Rack Raisers And What The Hell Are Even Rack Raisers? Hall! Head on inside to check out our sweet model dorm room. Let the enforced socializing headed by your future RA begin!

I really like how this thing’s been going. It’s like our apartment is meant for us. I’ve never met someone who I feel so made for, you know?

But your engagement video to your last wife has over eight million hits on YouTube.

I want to say yes. I really do, but where’s my fake dead grandfather? Where are MY lip-dubbing parents? These roses are really beautiful, but where’s the camera crew? How the hell am I going to be on “Ellen” now?

She was a selfish woman and I will make up for her, I promise. You deserve so much better. But you have to step this up a little bit. You won’t even go to the costume shop over on Beacon and get some red body paint to get this thing going? Come on.

You basked in the glory of your awesome viral engagement and now it’s time to do it all over again for me.

YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF.

I completely gave myself to you in every way. I spent YEARS of my life with you, thinking this…this one thing would be forever. And our engagement video has over eight million hits on YouTube.

I know that it bothers you when I don’t trust that you’ll be home when you say you’re going to be home. I know I backseat drive. But you’re divorcing me? Okay, so our problems are deeper than I’m willing to take in right now. We need to experience the love of people other than each other. But the lipdub Cirque du Soleil musical number in the classroom we met in from third grade really was a big selling point for me. It was for America, too.

I gained around 40,000 new followers on Twitter from that video taken in Ryebrook Elementary. They loved that you flew me and all of our immediate acquaintances back to Arkansas under the assumption that it was to attend my grandfather’s funeral. Not only did it fill their hearts and mine when you revealed that you had fooled us, but it especially did when we discovered that not only was Grandpa alive but covered in red and gold body paint hooked to a trapeze, flipping and dancing to an instrumental track about our love as Mom and Dad popped out from under the desks and lip synched “Teenage Dream”. You’re saying that all of that was meaningless?

I’m so embarrassed. What am I supposed to do? Take down the video? That thing gets me PAID television and morning radio interviews. I can’t disappoint BatDog and the Trixter.

God. I’m really, really sad. I’m gonna be one of those women. A divorcee. A divorcee whose engagement everybody and their lizard saw and cried to.

WHAT?! BRYAN, I AM NOT IN ANY WAY FOCUSING ON A FAR LESS IMPORTANT ASPECT OF THE SITUATION HERE!

I can see where you’re coming from when you say that our relationship was inherently doomed because we were far too dependent on each other from the very beginning.

BUT WE STILL OWE THOSE CIRQUE DU SOLEIL PEOPLE MONEY!

Hey man. I hope you’re not doing anything already this weekend for Halloween. It’s just that my parents are doing something really awesome.

Oh, you’re gonna go to Nate’s to get drunk and make out/possibly sleep with hot girls in lingerie and cat ears? Hold on. Are you a fan of getting the shit scared out of you? Cause my dad has a chainsaw, and he and my mom are putting up their famous haunted house this year.

It’s the talk of the neighborhood. Just get ready. They have white sheets hung up with red food dye that will make a little maze around our backyard. A maze of FRIGHTS!!! Seriously, everyone in our cul-de-sac comes to this thing. I let them use my bedroom back window for my mom to pop out from. She’s the Bride of Frankenstein!! And we have a boombox that plays “Halloween Hits Compilation 4” tracks the WHOLE TIME, man.

Dude, I’m just sayin’. My mom and dad are really cool. This thing will blow your mind.

Nah, I’m not going to the party. I have some fake spider web untangling to do.

Hey Noah! Thanks so much for finishing up the script under the wire for us. We can’t wait to see the beloved foursome come to life a third time! I know this kind of franchise is a new step for you, so no worries about my following notes. They are to here to help you – just take them into consideration and let me know what you think!  – Susan

1. The opening scene with the Gloria the hippo – I like that she’s talking to her sister on the phone – this lets us introduce another sassy, fun, zoo character! The audience would love to see another lady hippo, especially with this whole women in comedy thing that seems to be getting everyone into a craze. But the conversation could be a bit lighter. It’s clear that they may get into a serious confrontation later about the sister’s husband’s illegal plagiarism of his dissertation on Camus, so maybe instead make it a funny conversation about how they’re going to have a hippo dance party family reunion? Also, I don’t think hippos can use phones.
2. Chris Rock isn’t comfortable with voicing a masturbation scene. I know it’s just a zebra on a cargo ship and what else would he be doing with his free time, right? And you did write him rather angsty and in a state of becoming a real adult zebra, so I see where you were going here. But we do want to keep a G rating. Maybe instead he could sing a song about finding and then subsequently wearing a rainbow afro on the cargo ship? That might be fun. And Mr. Rock loves to sing. Grunting into the microphone, though – he’s not so into.
3. The soundtrack could use some juicing up. I like Bon Iver, don’t get me wrong. But there will be zoo animals dancing in this movie. That is non-negotiable.
4. The 7-minute sequence with all four of the animals staring at paintings that represent their current inner battles – cut it.
5. I LOVE the penguin family argument. The audience loves the penguins, as the first two movies and TV spinoff have proven. And the argument scene really brings them all together in an interesting way. But a few things: How did the penguins break into a Brooklyn townhouse living room? How did they decorate it themselves? This could be an amusing montage sequence! They have to put on little black ski caps and slyly pick the lock and/or slide down the chimney. Put on “Party Rock Anthem” in the background. Again, zoo animal dancing is non-negotioable.

Best Rapscallion Throwing Dice As A Policeman Walks By

Best Policeman Walking By Rapscallions Throwing Dice

Best Child Wearing A Peacoat Walking By A Cityscape Backdrop

Most Interesting Mouthed Background Conversation

Most Excited Facial Reaction To A Lead Character’s Reveal

Most Confused Facial Reaction To A Lead Character’s Reveal

Least Offensive Portrayal Of A Homeless Man

Technical Achievements

Best Billy Club Twirling By A Policeman Walking By Rapscallions Throwing Dice