After the official Pottermore Twitter account informed us on Friday of how wizards handle expelling their bodily fluids, I decided to explore the lavatorial realities of other fictional universes.
Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert
A quiver. A forbidden glance. It all happens so fast. Rodolphe strokes Emma’s soft hair as she weeps, letting out a single drop of urine down her leg as she stares out the cottage window, wondering why she can’t bring herself to love her infant back home the way she knows a mother is meant to. Charles has to clean it all up later.
Nancy Drew series by Carolyn Keene
Nancy can only evacuate her bladder with the help of pals Bess and George, and boyfriend Ned Nickerson. The team has to work together to solve the cryptogram hiding in the jukebox of the burger joint downtown. But some new mysteries unfold along the way…M-A-Y-O-R is the solution to the crypotgram. Could the Mayor be behind the shutdown of the town’s carousel? Nancy’s on the case! Ned has to remind her that she’s just a teenager, and these cases are dangerous, and that she left the burger shop without peeing! Will she finally listen to her friends, who constantly must remind her that it’s okay to stop for five minutes to pee before getting in the car to go down to City Hall and confront the scheming Mayor? Will Nancy ever shed her obsession with her sense of mission and just pee?
Like Water for Chocolate by Laura Esquivel
Tita bites into a tamale fresh from the oven, and it tastes so orgasmic that suddenly a tidal wave of rainbows crashes through her kitchen window. It overtakes her, each stripe of color becoming a sentient arm of its own, taking a different role of massaging Tita’s various internal glands to finally let her feel freedom. Mama Elena can never know.
The Lord of the Rings series by J.R.R. Tolkein
One can only be bestowed the honor of appearing before the Guardians of The Golden Wood, Galadriel and Lord Celeborn, by completing a months-long journey across vast lands and with many hardships. You especially have to hold it in when crossing through the lands of Fell beasts to avoid attack, since they smell like shit and therefore love shit.
Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty
One only has to look out of their home’s elegant floor-to-ceiling windows and gaze at the crashing waves of the Pacific Ocean to be compelled to expel something. A passive aggressive PTA mom email can bring everything to a halt, though, and it will takes weeks of emotional labor from Tom, the kind coffee shop man, to convince any of the women that it’s okay to admit what goes on behind closed doors (you know, the pissing.) Amabella is not allowed to discuss such things until she is older.
Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston
A hurricane washes everything away.
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
Holden Caulfield pisses his pants constantly because he’s a useless little boy with mommy issues. His rich parents on the Upper East Side will always replace his soiled pants and every part of his life will turn out fine.
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
Just a few convoluted metaphors in his letters make Elizabeth Bennett’s heart flutter. Darcy’s words make her believe that she really is enough, that maybe she isn’t so strange after all, and that maybe she can one day leave Longbourn and finally settle down with a man who will love her even if she wants to leave the door open when she goes.
Liz Arcury 