CHAPTER THREE

We Can’t All Fit Into The Van

ALEX: Reynolds really thought we would all fit.

TIM: There are six officers. That’s it.

VICKI: There should have been space.

ALEX: He didn’t need the Christmas tree in there. He could have picked up after competition weekend. But there was no convincing him.

VICKI: Reynolds always talked about efficiency. With our rehearsal time. With our department budget. But he forgot about space. Efficiency of space.

TIM: It was a van. So there are technically seven seats. Eight, if you count the driver. So all the officers should have fit.

CHANEL: There’s Heidi and I, the co-Presidents. Then the VP, Secretary, Treasurer, and…wait. That’s five. I know there’s another one. Hold on. Give me a second…

ALEX: Wait. Yeah. Five. What’s the other one? Shit. Get back to me. It wasn’t even that long ago…

TIM: Yeah wait. Hang on.

VICKI: Historian. Historian, guys. I was the Historian.

ALEX: Oh right right right! Yeah. We had to make Vicki lay down in the trunk on the way to competition in Bartlesville.

VICKI: I woke up with pine needles in my sheets for the next three weeks.

HEIDI: But, like, we only got “Excellent” ratings on our duet scene at competition that weekend, anyway. I told Vicki that every female duo would be doing “As You Like It”.

VICKI: MY ROSALIND WAS “SUPERIOR”-WORTHY!!

HEIDI: Historians are useless.

IT IS THE YEAR 2033

A DOCTOR: Well, team, it seems that the leading cause of this mass global onset of cancer is all of the worry they felt in their early 20’s about whether the cursor just sitting there still shows the other person that they’re ‘typing’.

Confident in your improv but always tripped up and in your head about the decision regarding how you should look while you’re standing on the back line?! Are you supposed lean on the chair? Kneel down? Arms folded? How do YOU show YOUR true self through your back line stance?! I’m here to help!

Even though you’re not performing, you’re being watched! Want to learn how to show people “Hey, I like improv and everything, but I actually know that I’m too cool for all this, this is just a stepping stone in my long, illustrious comedy career,”? All with one effortless, simple, nonchalant stance?!

This is the workshop for you! $3500, I accept all form of payment, but prefer you blowing pennies out your ass.

CHAPTER TWO

“Footloose” Auditions

VICKI: Oh boy. Spring of ’07.

CHANEL: Man, are we really gonna go here? All right. You asked.

HEIDI: If it’s a musical, you gotta be able to sing. You just gotta. Those 30-second auditions for the spring musical really showed you who people were. Every single year. New stars. New has-beens.

TIM: I spent, like, 3 and a half hours editing my karaoke track to get it perfect for the big day. When I sang “Sex & Candy”, I needed the perfect backing track.

HEIDI: They have like every karaoke track to every song ever on iTunes. My library’s full of ’em. There’s kind of a subculture.

VICKI: “When She Loved Me” was my song.

CHANEL: “When She Loved Me” was MY song. Vick knew that. The girls at camp would always call me Jessie and it was our thing and they even got me a Jessie cake one year for my birthday. I told Vick that in confidence.

TIM: I mean, obviously the big shots wanted Ren, but I’m always like, I just can’t do what those guys can do. Ya know? I feel like getting Willard was my big personal breakthrough. I realized, then, that I am at heart a character actor. I know what I am. And it feels good.

ALEX: I was kind of the only guy who could sing so I knew I was gonna get Ren.

HEIDI: You always never knew if Jim liked ya or not. That was his power. Am I gonna get the country solo at the beginning of Act 2? Am I gonna be a townsperson who’s upset at Ren’s suggestion that dancing is celebrated in the Bible and therefore okay for the state of Beaumont? Jim knew what you were cut out for the second you stepped out onto that drama room half-circle blue-carpeted floor.

VICKI: Yeah, he just knew.

CHANEL: Of course I got Wendy Jo. Fourteen lines.

VICKI: The song just fit my voice, ya know? And I kind of looked like the girl who played Ariel in the movie version. Chanel had a hard time with that.

CHANEL: It’s a two and a half hour show. Fourteen lines.

VICKI: Man, I miss those days. The gritty, tension filled set-building weekends where you could really get your aggression on fellow cast members out by painting platforms.

CHANEL: Rusty at least has a good singing part. But have gave it to that slutty extra dancer girl who doesn’t even know theatre. And Vicki got paint in my hair.

ALEX: My mom was big with volunteering for the school so she let us have the after party after opening night at my place. I lost my virginity in my pool that night.

CHAPTER ONE

Jim Reynolds’ Temper

VICKI: I first met Mr. Reynolds in the fall of ‘06. He seemed driven, a little lost, and full of ambition fueled by the Wendy’s across the highway.

TIM: Yeah, he would have one of the student officers bring him a medium #7 from Wendy’s every day after school to get himself mentally ready for that night’s rehearsal…(Pauses)…God, I wanted to be an officer so bad. Not just for the college applications, but for the glory. Your senior picture would forever be on the wall if you made President.

CHANEL: Rehearsals always went long with him. Our parents would be waiting in their cars outside, our cellphones ringing endlessly with worry. But Mr. Reynolds had a vision, and anything distracting the group from achieving that vision was forbidden. One time we couldn’t get the doors opening and closing fast enough in the spring ’08 production of Noises Off!. He thought it ruined the entire comedic core of the piece if we weren’t able to get the releasings and slammings of the eight doors on stage in sync with “a hummingbird’s wings”, he always used to say. (Laughs)

HEIDI: Oh yeah, Jim was a big slapstick guy. Sometimes the most outrageously funny people are also, secretly, the most tragic.

ALEX: I remember that Noises rehearsal. My dad was the mayor at the time and had a vital state-wide meeting to get to at the courthouse that night, but he had to pick me up from rehearsal first. He was so furious at Mr. Reynolds, I remember, he stormed backstage and pulled me out to the car.

CHANEL: After Alex’s dad came, Mr. Reynolds kicked over the side table in the living room set, shattering the blue lamp that had been used in BHS shows for fourteen years. He then proceeded to stand in front of us with a maniacal look on his face, held out one of the freshly-printed programs for the show, and ripped in in half.

ALEX: My dad missed his meeting and didn’t get to vote on garbage tonnage pricing limits for the state of Oklahoma.

HEIDI: I think a lot of people channeled their daddy issues into Mr. Reynolds. We never quite knew where he stood in terms of sexual orientation. But that didn’t matter. He was this unreachable entity…this, this frightening, towering, figure, with a terribly pathetic home life. His best friend was his dog, Martha. He’d always bring her to rehearsal. He’d feed her the Wendy’s chicken nuggets sometimes.

VICKI: That old black lab has seen me naked, changing in and out of costume, more than any man has since I graduated from that place.

TIM: I was just a freshman when I took his Drama 1 class, and when Mr. Reynolds first stood up from his desk and screamed at me for breaking while I was supposed to be acting out a pretend shipwreck during the Improvised Pantomime part of class, he gained my eternal respect. From then on, I knew wanted to be President. I wanted to be in.

“Fifteen dollars? Come on, Nance, there are dozens of other stores in the mall that sell candles. Don’t settle on this one just yet,” Bess Marvin assured Nancy Drew, as they, along with George Fayne, Bess’ cousin, strolled through the River Heights Mall. The three teenage friends were out for a shopping day to relieve some stress. Their academic and work lives were fine, but Nancy insisted that they take a day to decompress after a run-in with that outright whore from Cooperstown at Ned Nickerson’s party last Friday night.

The girl, Carmen, was around their age and also a total slut. Nancy had learned from past cases to not jump at an investigation too quickly. The Secret of Shadow Ranch had taught her that in spades. She had also learned, however, to listen to her instincts, and her instincts were telling her that this Carmen thinks-she’s-so-hot needed to be taken care of.

Bess was excitedly showing the girls her new summer top. “I got a steal on these pedal pushers,” George exclaimed. “Girls, I have work to do. I have to get to the train station,” Nancy curtly stated. “What?! Nance, what are you thinking?!” Bess replied.

“I’m going to Cooperstown.”

____________________

Nancy clutched Ned’s hand as they watched the scenery whiz along outside the train window. “Did you know that she sometimes even goes out intending to hook up with a stranger? She drinks booze at home before leaving. This is called ‘pre-gaming’, according to this cryptex left behind by the suspect at the party.” Nancy was on a roll. She knew that the slut was Carmen. What she needed to find out now was who Carmen associated with and where she lived so that she could leave a nasty note of contempt from a fellow woman that would definitely change Carmen’s ways forever.

The train came to a halt at Cooperstown station and the couple exited. Ned was concerned. “Nancy, it’s really not a big deal. You’re eighteen. I’m nineteen. Sluts are all around us. It’s just a fact of life. I don’t like em either, but ya gotta turn the other cheek, Nance!” “Hold on. Look over there. A clue!” Nancy spotted a familiar red top in the window of a Wet Seal. It was just as revealing as she remembered. “Ugh, look how low-cut it is! It’s like, um, you’re practically an adult now, stick with scoopnecks, missy!” “I’m gonna get a beer.”

Now flying solo for the night, Nancy approached the store clerk, Alexa. She quickly confirmed that Carmen had been in this very store the day before Ned’s party and in addition to the red top purchased some unimaginably free-spirited hoops. Nancy’s hunch was always right!

____________________

After solving an anagram hidden in the stack of Wet Seal receipts, Nancy finally discovered Carmen’s neighborhood, Pinewood Oaks. “I mean, that’s just a kind of person right there you don’t want to surround yourself with. Does she ever think about the possibility that they talked about on TODAY that any and every interaction can lead to a job interview? That you are always your own marketing team?!?!” Nancy muttered to herself alone, clue-hunting through the cul de sac.

She was in a rut. All of the houses and cars were a similar blur of suburbia. She just could not pick out which one could be different. Then, she felt a man’s arm wrap around her neck. A low, threatening voice whispered, “I know what you’re trying to do. I’ve seen you slithering around here. Leave my daughter alone. She’s in college and just trying to find herself, okay?” Nancy was frozen in horror. She felt the barrel of a gun pointing into her back. Suddenly the gun was removed and the sound of footsteps running away gradually became softer and softer. She turned around slowly, still shaking with fear, only to see nothing except for a piece of paper on the ground.

Aside from the ransom note-esque threat on one side of the paper, on the other side was a rebus inside of a cryptogram word polygon. Nancy was sure she was done for. She had never seen something like this in all her life. She ran back into town, frazzled, looking for Ned.

Upon searching every bar in downtown central Cooperstown, Nancy finally discovered a languishing, dejected Ned on his eleventh IPA. “Ned, I need you to buck up and help me with this! Boy, it’s sure a doozy!” “WE’RE OVER, MISS PERFECT CRIMESOLVER PERSON! I ONLY DATED YOU CAUSE OUR FATHERS PLAY TENNIS TOGETHER! BYE BYE I’M LIVING HERE FOREVER!”

____________________

Nancy had never seen Ned in a state like this. He tended to drink when she had a crime to solve but this seemed to be the end. Despondent, weary, and feeling like, for the first time, she didn’t even know who she was, she looked back onto the puzzle. Wait. It all made sense. The rebus cryptogram word polygon. The various pictures and letters meant “I don’t know who I am, so I’m trying a lot of things right now. Also I live at 132 Harper Lane.”

She had cracked the code only from understanding for a quick sliver of a second how it felt to be unsure of yourself and maybe even a little insecure. Nancy ran back to Pinewood Oaks and left the nasty note on Carmen’s car. A white Chevy Cavalier. Ew.

She walked away, proudly wiping her hands clean of this case and ready for a new one. She also suddenly realized that she was freshly single for the first time in years. Maybe she would try online dating. I mean, the stigma’s gone now in this day and age, right?

____________________

Nancy Drew still hated sluts, and she was glad that they were all taken care of for now. She would not miss this case for a long time, that’s for sure. What she would miss immensely, though, was talking a lot to someone about how other girls are sluts.

WARNING: FURIOUS IF NOT INVITED TO ANY AND ALL WEDDINGS

CAUTION: IF EVENTUALLY MADE COMFORTABLE ENOUGH WITH YOU WILL SPEND 90% OF TIME EXCITEDLY TELLING YOU ABOUT TWEETS SHE SAW AND ENJOYED

YOUNG PERSON BLAMING ALL FLAWS ON BEING “AN ARTIST” ON BOARD!

MY ADOLESCENT NOSTALGIA-OBSESSED REGRESSIVE PERSONALITY IS AN HONORS STUDENT!

HAZARD: ABUNDANT REFERENCES TO THE MOVIE “SPLASH” AHEAD

CAUTION: WILL TOTALLY JUDGE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU IF REVEALED THAT YOU ARE RICH

WARNING: POST-DOCUMENTARY RANTER ENCLOSED

CONSTRUCTION: TO BE COMPLETED ONLY WHEN “CHEERS”-ERA DANSON DELIVERS REASSURING HUG

Hey, girlfriend!

Single and lovin’ it?! Not invited to go with the big group to Prom this year?!

Make your car look SUPER CUTE when you’re driving to the Radisson alone on your big night!

Our Expert Design Tips:

– That window writing paint that you saw a ton of during the Homecoming tailgate? You know, the stuff that everybody used to write “Bulldogs ’09” in their windows? Use it all over your 1999 Chevy Cavalier. The key: use all different colors and make each sentence appear in different handwriting, so that it looks like multiple people actually care about you!

– One word: STREAMERS. All different colors. One for each slow dance that you will spend in a fold-out chair in the back eating mini brownies and adjusting your heel straps.

– A brand new sub-woofer. Duh! How else will everybody else on the freeway hear “Reel Around the Fountain” blast on a loop? Your dad will totally be able to afford it with all the money he’ll save from no limo reservation and no trip to the film-developing desk at CVS.

And lastly, no need to bring your phone along! You won’t need it since your parents know for sure that you’ll be home before 11.

Have fun! And remember, even though this didn’t pan out the way you might have planned, college will so be your thing! We promise!

ORANGE COUNTY, CA – First United Methodist Church on Fir St. and 52nd Ave. will host a Friday night basement lock-in for its middle school youth group this coming weekend, and more 12 to 15-year-olds than ever will feel “those” feelings for the first time than that of any previous year on record.

The dark, carpeted basement of the popular local church will host its annual co-ed all-night lock-in for the Kid Krusaders, the resident Bible study after-school youth group, to raise money for the American Heart Association. The room, with its floor covered in sleeping bags and walls lit with Will Ferrell movies on rotation from the projector, will be filled with more horny preteens than ever before, hitting a record 80 pubescents ready to secretly finger each other in the middle of the night.

Though John and Chrissy, the 24-year-old devout Christian couple that leads the Krusaders, will technically be supposed to be chaperoning the group, they will have to leave the basement at some point eventually to pick up the large pizza order from Sal’s Pizza downtown, and this is when the majority of the youthful, confused, sexual encounters will take place. The actions will go unspoken and shame-filled, though the boys will all quickly get over it and whisper-share their stories the next Monday on the way to soccer practice.

More sloppy make-outs are set to take place after approximately 3:00AM Saturday morning, when “Zoolander” comes to an end and everybody falls silent. Thinking everybody else is asleep, sleeping bags will stealthily inch closer and closer together and kids will try to be as quiet as possible while experiencing their first moments of sexual discovery.

John and Chrissy will be furiously shame-fucking in the Sal’s Pizza parking lot at this time.

We are waiting for final word on the total sum of funds to be raised for the American Heart Association.

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