I’m a mystery girl, Ned. I can’t help it. You know this is my calling. So I need you to step up, be a good boyfriend to me, and drop the tennis racket.

When I’m out solving mysteries and putting myself in danger, you’re playing tennis. Whenever I want to get in touch with you and update you about what the sign of the falcon really is, you’re too sweaty and exhausted from a match to listen to me. What about the secret in that mansion I told you I thought was haunted? It totally wasn’t haunted first of all, but that’s beside the point. I found out what the secret was! All by myself! But you’re just finding out about that now because YOU’RE TOO BUSY WITH YOUR TENNIS FOR ME.

What about when I had to travel all the way to that misty canyon? Or that carousel that I also thought was haunted but then it wasn’t? You never even wrote me a letter when I was away on those scary trips. Not a one. Ned Nickerson. I’m talking to you. Stop stretching.

COUNTLESS TIMES I have been in severe danger but you weren’t there for me. Actually, it’s exactly one hundred and seventy-five. ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FIVE times I have discovered a terrible thing happening in the world, then someone asked me to solve it, and I was almost murdered. And not a once did you walk into a room to greet me in the aftermath not panting from tennis. I love that you like to be fit, I really do. But Bess and George don’t fill the gap for me that you can.

I’m just saying. Next time you’re warming up to go out on the court, remember that I was once locked in a brass-bound trunk.

Oh yeah, and I almost forgot to inform you. That showboat wasn’t haunted, either.

We are all still reeling from this past season of “Breaking Bad” ending before we wanted it to, and people specifically can’t seem to get enough of Walt’s intense “I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS” speech. For when you need a boost, here are some other scenarios where that notable phrase can be used.

– Two telegram singers are at a customer’s doorstep. The more aggressive of the two is announcing job duties.

– A man and woman are flirting in a Southern bar. The bartender jokes about them “knockin’ boots” later. The woman’s boyfriend has been here the whole time, overhears this remark, and stakes his claim.

– Two male first graders are telling a knock-knock joke to impress a female second grader. Trevor fucked it up the first time and now they have to re-tell it under Bradley’s rules.

– Dad is telling a sad story about a car accident at Thanksgiving dinner. The son says, “Man, let’s all be thankful nothing bad has happened to us in a long time,” then proceeds to knock on the wooden table. Dad slaps his son’s fist away and lets everyone know that this story’s sentimental and hopeful ending is his territory.

– A group of high schoolers are having their first read-through of the spring production of “Noises Off!”

TWELVE Percent Discount With My Sephora Membership Card

ELEVEN Refusals To Get High But Only Because It’ll Make My Hair Smell But I’ll Totally Get Drunk And Throw Up All Over You

TEN Seats On The Subway That Five Of Us Will Take Up Because Our Longchamp Purses Need Seats Too!

NINE Hot Pink Blackberry Gel Cases

EIGHT People Over To Watch The Season Premiere of “Two and a Half Men”

SEVEN Longchamp Luggage Pieces For My Snowboarding Trip

SIX Venti Soy Lattes With Caramel Drizzle

FIVE Turns of Trivial Pursuit Before We Decide It’s Stupid And Dumb And LET’S GO OOUUUTT

FOUR Professors Whose Fault It Is That I Have Bad Grades In Their Classes

THREE Questions About How Fresh The Reduced-Fat Cinnamon Swirl Coffee Cake At Starbucks Is

TWO Empty Bookshelves

ONE Discussion About Whether We Like The Transition From Charlie Sheen To Ashton Kutcher I Mean Let’s Not Get Mean Guys They Can’t Be Exactly The Same!

Hey guys. We’re all here, hanging out, at a party. People are laughing and dancing and drinking and oh – I see that your computer is open. Your Dell is playing your iTunes “PartyMIX” playlist and people are really excited about “Rock Lobster”, which will be over in two minutes. I know what to do.

Clearly this place needs my help. Yes, Shannon’s doing shots and people are loving her recitation of lines from “Stepbrothers”. Yes, Ed is talking about his study abroad trip to Tel Aviv and how magical it was. But seriously. They’re not actually having fun. Not yet, at least.

I’ll bring a few people over to your laptop. Just a few to start out, and the rest will flock over. Inevitably. “Guys, you need to see this!”

And the night has officially begun.

“You haven’t seen the one of Conan O’Brien being interviewed by Charlie Rose from 1993 right when Late Night was starting? IT’S AMAZING! So inspiring. For real.”

“Wait. You haven’t seen THE GOON panel from Comic Con a few years ago? Guys. This is so funny. Just watch. I won’t spoil anything for you. Shhhh, guys, we’re watching something.”

“NO BRANDON! WE ARE NOT WATCHING YOUR HOME MOVIE YOU UPLOADED FROM YOUR CRUISE TO ALASKA! MOVE!”

“I can’t take how good this math joke song is. Ahhh you guys isn’t this the best?!”

And the night is saved. No one was having fun until I came along. Sorry, I closed your iTunes window so the videos would buffer faster. I guess everybody went home early because they were tired. People do have work tomorrow. Yeah, that’s it. Work makes people have to leave early and stuff.

Holy shit, Sandra. The crew needs lunch. Fall down like the quirky behind-the-scenes girl people watching the DVD extras PAID TO SEE.

Dammit. Okay, everyone. Cut. Qunicy, get out from behind the bush. I’m talking. Sit down and take a break. I need to get this across to everyone.

You guys aren’t getting what I’m looking for. We wrap in three weeks and every scene WITHOUT FAIL has been flawlessly executed. This is bad. This is real bad. I hate to be a negative Nancy, but we’ll have to work harder than we’ve ever worked in the home stretch to bring this through. Team…we need bloopers. And fucking charming ones at that.

Geena, make your giggles real. Put your hand over your face while you laugh if you have to. They’ll love that shit. Maybe stand up out of your chair and turn away from the camera, like you just can’t take it anymore. You shouldn’t be able to say “The fortune didn’t work!” with a straight face anyway. What the fuck is wrong with you people?

And Jamie. YOU’RE A COMEDIAN. Why the fuck are you taking everything so seriously? God, take your dick out during the bumper car montage OR SOMETHING. Isn’t that what you do? Why do you get paid?

The fall here is mainly what I’m concerned about, Sandra. There’s a bench here and you’re walking briskly by it like a business woman on her way to work. Yes, that’s in the script. Yes, it’s what the studio wants. And we’ll get that eventually. We’ll have time. What we don’t have time for is to create a whimsical blooper reel that shows that the cast and crew behind FORTUNE’S CURSE knows how to have fun. You can trip on that bench. You will trip on that bench.

WE NEED A BLOOPER REEL, PEOPLE! BLOOOOOOPERS! NOT PERFECT MOVIE HAPPY TIME. THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN AND THE PEOPLE LOVE BLOOPERS. FROM THE TOP.

Eleven other girls brought a Mia Hamm poster for show-and-tell. My name is Lexi and I’m in third grade.

I had just finished eating the chopped celery sticks Mom packed me for snacktime. We don’t have an actual snacktime in class but she gave me the bag that morning when I was getting out of the Subaru and said, “Here, just so you don’t overdo it later at lunch.” She only packs me organic goldfish, a banana, and a chicken salad sandwich but without the mayo or the chicken for lunch, so the celery is a nice treat.

We were walking down the hall to reading class, which is in a different classroom than math class. This is the first year where we have separate classes and it’s scary. There’s a different one for science, too. Now I have three teachers I have to impress. That’s not counting Mr. Philips, my PE teacher, because my parents take him out to dinner and stuff so he likes me. Also I play soccer so that helps.

Every Monday in reading class this year we have show-and-tell. But it’s weird because every week they want us to bring something different. I just brought a soccer ball every time last year for show-and-tell because that’s what I mainly get for Christmas and birthdays. The other kids say they all look the same but each one is different. Each one is SPECIAL. At least that’s what dad says every Christmas morning when my friends get Claire’s lipgloss kits with puppies wearing tiaras on the front and I ask him why I didn’t.

Before the weekend Mrs. Bell, our reading teacher, told us that Monday we had to bring something that inspired us. She said that “inspire” meant to make you dream. When I look at the Mia Hamm poster that my parents put up on the wall across from my bed I dream about the days at soccer practice when we get Jell-O snacks.

I don’t know that much about Mia Hamm except that she plays soccer and that Mom tells me I’m “little” her. I brought the poster in for show-and-tell because I wanted a change. But on Monday morning I was waiting outside Mrs. Bell’s room in the hallway and was talking to Christina, when I noticed that she was carrying a Mia Hamm poster.

“She’s my inspiration,” she said. “I want to be a strong lady who plays soccer in the pros when I grow up.” “Me too!” Kim shouted from across the hall. I saw then that she had the same Mia Hamm poster. I didn’t know what they were talking about but I walked into the classroom when Mrs. Bell opened the door and asked her if I could go first for show-and-tell, so that I wouldn’t look like a copy cat. She said no. And more girls kept walking in with the same poster. These were all the girls in my class who play soccer so I guess that makes sense. But they really, really liked her. A lot. All I know is that she’s the lady with the angry face who plays soccer, which I don’t plan on doing past fifth grade. I haven’t told my parents that yet but I mean they can’t make me go to practice.

A bunch of people went before me for show-and-tell and eleven of them were girls with Mia Hamm posters. I went up and said that it inspires me because it makes me think about the one time a week when I get something sugary. They laughed and I think that feels nice.

Abby Raymond, 6, has started first grade at Seaside Elementary School, and she is self-admittedly not “playing around.”

“Recess just means more time for strategizing,” Raymond tells us over the phone. Due to prior plans of a sponge painting session with which Raymond plans to impress Mrs. Hannah Mills, homeroom teacher at Seaside Elementary, with her “ability to have fun with colors,” we could not schedule a meeting in person. Abby Raymond is going strong into this school year with an entirely new plan of how to tackle the “Mrs. M’s Stars” board. This is a bulletin board on the wall of a Seaside classroom covered in colorful construction paper, serving as the backdrop for a chart in which lies the names of each of the first graders in Mrs. Mills’ homeroom class. “I’m not getting second place again,” reports a determined Raymond.

“I just put star stickers under some of their names when I remember that that board exists. I give the one with the most stars a hug on the last day of school. That’s it…”, reports Mills.

Raymond’s star sticker count from last year came just short of having the most out of the entire class, coming in second to Julie Nell, age 6. Raymond is determined to not let it slip through her fingers this year, even arriving to the first day of class with a 64-pack of Crayola crayons, going above and beyond the 12-pack recommended on the required school supply shopping list.

“Other kids will ask to use my crayons all the time. I’ll give them one, and then BOOM. They owe me a favor,” reports Raymond.

“…the other kids don’t get that it’s all a game…a web. And not like the web game we play in PE with jump ropes and monkey bars.”

Before ending our phone interview, there was muffled conversation in the background that our experts failed to make out much of except Raymond’s mother muttering something about “…no hugs…until peas are finished.”

Harry Littleton, 48, is not one to give up easily. After being led by special security into the sector of New Mexico State Prison in which he now resides, we learned just how much Littleton, father of three, comes by his talent honestly.

“Yep, Pop raised me on the stuff. Scattegories, Pictionary, early Clue. Early, early Clue. We had the original box and everything. I remember that old rules book he’d read to me. Oh, I must have been nine or ten. It had coffee stains on it. Can’t say how much I owe this all to Pop.”

Last Thursday evening at approximately 10:38pm, Littleton won a heated match of Trivial Pursuit, ending with him murdering two of his three children. Family Game Night is a weekly tradition in the Littleton household and Breckin, 18, was looking like he might sweep.

“The boy knows his pop culture. But that last piece of pink pie was mine, I could just feel it.”

Breckin was reported deceased at 10:36pm Thursday evening.

The previous two Littleton Family Game Nights were focused on Monopoly, and Harry reports that things had to turn around.

“I only won those games by the skin of a rabbit. I told the youngest boy, I said, ‘I swear if you don’t sell me Marvin Gardens I will skin Terry, your rabbit.’ ”

Littleton won both Monopoly games without having to pay rent for so much as one hotel. His youngest son, Eddie, 11, is still in tact as is his rabbit. His wife, Marla, could not be contacted for comment, but he reports that she was impressed after his most recent win.

“She’s funny when it comes to showin’ feelings, but she was proud of me, I know it. You could tell by her wide, appreciative eyes.”

Taylor, 16, fell to the board game expertise of his father that Thursday night as well.

“I think him and Breckin had a thing goin’. Like, they’d study before Trivial Pursuit about history and stuff. Had to break that up. No cheatin’ allowed on Littleton Family Game Night!”

Though game nights will have to be on hold for a while, Harry soldiers on.

“There’s no practice to it. Ya either have it or you don’t. I can jump back in anytime.”

Surviving family members Marla and Eddie will not be having Family Game Night in the Littleton household anytime in the near future, as the home is now considered unlivable. Harry cannot legally bring board games into the high security cell in which he resides but he has found his own games to play, such as “Make The Scratches On The Wall Into A Dream Puzzle With Your Mind” and “Mattress Rip Expedition Adventure”.

“The cold sting of Almay liquid eyeliner in the morning is like caffeine for my face – and my self-worth!”

“Maybe she’s born with this desperation for male approval which links back to daddy issues, maybe it’s Maybelline.”

“CoverGirl’s InvisibleColour foundation will make you forget your blemishes, and your wretched envy for girls who can look good without this shit.”

“L’Oreal: Because you’ll never be worth it until you convince yourself that you are and that can only happen if your parents tell you that they’re proud of you but they never will be because you blew all of their nest egg money on online fashion school.”

The following are some common phrases that parents tell their young children. I have translated them with a team of experts to reveal what they are really saying.

1. “Santa Claus is real.” = “Here’s trust issues for the rest of your life.”

2. “The other kids are just jealous of you.” = “Don’t ever be self-aware. It’s a drag. Trust me.”

3. “I will definetely, absolutely come to your KidzGroovez modern/hip-hop dance recital.” = “The season finale of Felicity looked really, really good. SORRY I wanted to experience CULTURE!”