Hey, MTV’s “The Buried Life”,

You seem cool. We’re both on the same page about the importance of enjoying the present moment in this futile life and all that. I love what you’re trying to do here.

But this show. God. I’m just getting stared at, like, all the time now. It’s really uncomfortable.

Listen. You’re doing great things. I love inspirational shit. I’m a beautiful flowing RIVER for Chrissakes. However, your audience consisting of probably white males aged 14-19 who enjoy going to youth groups even though they’re agnostic “just for the open discussions” and who either have or plan to backpack through Europe because they’re “just, like, addicted to travelling, you know?” – they stare at me. All the fucking time. It’s embarrassing at this point.

I get that your show is all about teaching the MTV audience what’s important in life and that material possessions shouldn’t be the focus of goal achievements, but it makes these otherwise fratty dudes totally into themselves and their deep thoughts. Henceforth, they come to my banks, with a book and/or a joint, and stare.

It’s such a cliche.

The funny part is that every one of them thinks that they’re the only one. It’s really funny.

I’m not saying that this isn’t fun for me. But, I’d also like some alone time. Tone down the faux upper-middle class epiphanies you’re causing.

Thanks,

The River