Hey there, Prospective Student!

Welcome to our beautiful campus. It lies right on the edge of the Telling Yourself That Trying This Drug Will Help You Discover Yourself But Really You’re Just Doing It To Impress Someone At A Party River and has gorgeous views of the hills toward the north of town. Follow along as we guide you through your campus visit today with an accompanying scavenger hunt!

And most importantly, keep your peepers peeled for some surprises!

First, turn and walk to your left from outside the Admissions building. See that castle-looking thing? That’s our historic Stereotypes Are Mostly True Castle! In there you’ll find out all about the legends of our old university, and that most of your Jewish friends really do think that they’re sick all the time! You won’t want to accept this truth at first because you’ll want to think of yourself as a good person, but in about the third month of your freshman year the truth will be puncturing your eye sockets and you won’t be able to help it anymore!

Now, walk forward. As you pass Spending $60 On Posters For Coen Brothers Movies That I’ve Seen Once But I Want People To Think I’m A Film Expert So That I Get Laid Hill, up ahead you’ll see our I Chose My Philosophy Major Because I Thought “Fight Club” Was Awesome Library. Go inside!

See all those kids wearing sweatshirts and studying hard? They’re awesome!

There’s a complimentary bag of Cheetos under that blueish-grey fabric sofa. Grab it! That’s all you get for dinner!

Exit the back door of the library. To the right you’ll see the main freshmen dorm building, What Are All These Posts About Selling Rack Raisers And What The Hell Are Even Rack Raisers? Hall! Head on inside to check out our sweet model dorm room. Let the enforced socializing headed by your future RA begin!