So I guess you’re better than me now. That’s it, isn’t it? That fucking game show.

So you stood on some weird sound stage in Orlando while wearing bright colors and now you’re big shit, huh?

You won “Figure It Out”. GOD.

No, no! Put the Kids Foot Locker gift basket away. Stop carrying it around with you everywhere you go. They don’t like that at Food Lion. Seriously, we need to talk.

First of all, you’re twelve, and very uncharming. Wasn’t there supposed to be some sort of screening process before they let just any kid on the show? Your talent that you made a woeful audience sit through THIRTY MINUTES of vague Nickelodeon celebrities guessing about is touching your tongue to your nose. Oooh, REALLY unique, Jess! What, are you gonna go on Nick Arcade and clash cymbals together for ten minutes in front of the green screen? YOU WASTE EVERYONE’S TIME!

And the way you teased the host with your little kid witticisms. Summer Sanders is an astounding woman. How dare you use her elegant politeness to show off the fact that you like to show off? She showed you a video of a squirrel on waterskis. A SQUIRREL ON WATERSKIS, JESS!

So you won every round. Not even that clever little shit Danny Tamberelli could guess your “talent”. And you’re proud. Okay. Give me that second ticket.

Jess? We’ve been through a lot together. Give. Me. The. Plane. Ticket. To. Bora. Bora.

God DAMMIT.

Fine. But you know what? No one’s gonna play your brand new Nintendo 64 with you. Please…we’re in public. Don’t cry when you’re standing in your moon shoes.