The following are some common phrases that parents tell their young children. I have translated them with a team of experts to reveal what they are really saying.

1. “Santa Claus is real.” = “Here’s trust issues for the rest of your life.”

2. “The other kids are just jealous of you.” = “Don’t ever be self-aware. It’s a drag. Trust me.”

3. “I will definetely, absolutely come to your KidzGroovez modern/hip-hop dance recital.” = “The season finale of Felicity looked really, really good. SORRY I wanted to experience CULTURE!”